Saturday, February 07, 2004

Assalamualaikum wrth.........

What does it mean by the picture above?

It is strange for me to write this. But I feel a bit lonely. Ya Allah, please help me. I don't know where to start. It is strange when we thought that we are ok, but actually the opposite is happening. For me when I reflect back on what happened; why am I feeling so lonely? Why do I feel lost? Why do I feel so miserable? What really happened to me? I don't really know why.

I just came back from the MCT Eid dinner few hours ago. I was not really in a very good mood during the dinner. When I reached my room, I opened up my laptop and surf through some pictures in the picture gallery. Suddenly, I saw the picture above. I remembered something. The picture was taken during the retreat that I attended last year at the Adirondack. When I reflected the moment I was there, and the state of my heart during that time then the state I am in right now, I feel like crying. What happened to me? I am too much in ghaflah. I am away from dzikrullah. Where am I? Am I ready for journey to Allah? Where is the sweetness of my solah? Where is my love toward i'badah? Ya Allah, please guide me? I am too much following my desire. Am I ready for death? Death is not far away. Maybe tonight, maybe tomorrow, maybe next week.... Who am I to predict when death is coming?

I am still too attached to this dunya. Where am I heading to? Jannah? An-Nar? Na'uzubbilahuminzalik. May Allah forgive me? May Allah bring back my heart to the path of virtue? Allah is Merciful. But we are not merciful to ourselves. We cry and make taubah. But not even after a day, we would be committing back the same sin and we forget what we have said in our taubah. I am neither that strong nor am I able to lead others. I need guidance from my friends, my elders, my brothers and sisters, and anybody who knows me. Ya Allah. Please guide me back to your path. Ya Allah. Put me away from a du'ah that is not accepted, a repentance which is a lie and a heart that is veiled.

Awang Shamsul Awang Hambali

February 7, 2004
10.52 pm


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